When Your Kid’s Anxiety Feels Like Your Anxiety
It’s 10:30 PM and your child is on their third trip to your bedroom. First, they needed water. Then they heard a noise. Now their tummy hurts and they’re convinced they’re going to throw up at school tomorrow. You can see the worry in their eyes, and your own heart is racing because you know this could go on for another hour.
Or maybe it’s 7:15 AM, and your kid is crying on the bathroom floor saying their stomach hurts too much to go to school. Again. You’re torn between wanting to comfort them and the nagging worry that you’re going to be late for work. Again.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Child anxiety is incredibly common, and it has a special talent for making parents feel helpless, frustrated, and anxious themselves.
Here’s what I’ve learned through my own family’s journey with anxiety: You can’t logic your way out of anxiety, yours or theirs. But you can create routines and responses that actually help, instead of making everyone more stressed.
What Anxiety Actually Looks Like in Kids
First, let’s talk about what we’re really dealing with here. Kid anxiety doesn’t always look like what you’d expect.
The obvious signs:
- Saying they’re scared or worried
- Clinging to you
- Refusing to go places or try new things
- Having meltdowns about seemingly small things
The sneaky signs that might be anxiety:
- Constant stomachaches or headaches (especially before school)
- Suddenly needing to use the bathroom all the time
- Being extra clingy or needing lots of reassurance
- Perfectionism or meltdowns over making mistakes
- Sleep problems or bedtime battles
- Asking “What if…” questions constantly
The really sneaky signs:
- Being the “good kid” who never complains but seems stressed
- Avoiding activities they used to enjoy
- Getting angry or defiant when anxious (fight-or-flight response)
- Physical symptoms that doctors can’t find a cause for
Here’s the thing that took me way too long to understand: When your kid says their stomach hurts, it really does hurt. Anxiety creates real physical symptoms. So when they’re doubled over on the bathroom floor, they’re not faking it—their brain is literally sending pain signals to their body.
The Bedtime Anxiety Battle
Nighttime is when anxiety loves to throw its biggest parties. The house is quiet, there are fewer distractions, and suddenly every worry they’ve been pushing down all day comes bubbling up.
What Doesn’t Work (But We Keep Trying)
- “There’s nothing to be scared of” (tells them their feelings are wrong)
- “You’re fine, go to sleep” (dismisses their experience)
- Lying down with them until they fall asleep every night (creates dependency)
- Getting frustrated and leaving them crying alone (increases anxiety)
- Bribing or threatening (adds pressure to an already stressful situation)
What Actually Helps
Start the wind-down earlier than you think you need to If your kid usually melts down at 8 PM, start calming activities at 7 PM. Anxiety needs time to settle.
Create a predictable routine that they control Let them help design their bedtime routine. Maybe it’s:
- Bath with lavender bubbles
- Two books (they choose which ones)
- Three deep breaths together
- You sit in the chair next to their bed for 10 minutes
The key is that it’s the same every night and they know what’s coming.
Acknowledge their worries without trying to fix them Instead of: “You don’t need to worry about that” Try: “I can see you’re feeling worried about tomorrow. That sounds hard.”
Teach them what to do with racing thoughts
- “Let’s name five things you can see in your room”
- “Put your hand on your belly and feel it go up and down when you breathe”
- “Think of three good things that happened today”
- “Imagine your worries floating away like clouds”
Have a plan for multiple visits Because they will come to your room. Multiple times. Instead of getting increasingly frustrated: “I can see you’re having a hard time settling down. Let’s try our calm-down breath three times, and then I’ll walk you back to bed.”
The comfort object evolution A stuffed animal or special blanket isn’t babyish—it’s a coping tool. If they’ve outgrown stuffed animals, try a small stone they can hold, a photo, or even a written note from you they can read.
When Bedtime Takes Forever
Some kids need what I call “anxiety processing time.” They’re not trying to manipulate you—their brains genuinely need to download the day’s worries before they can sleep.
Try building this into the routine:
- “Worry time” where they can tell you three things that are bothering them
- A journal where they write or draw their worries
- “Tomorrow planning” where you talk through what the next day will look like
- A “gratitude practice” where they share good things from the day
Morning Anxiety: The Stomachache Special
School morning anxiety is brutal because you’re dealing with time pressure, your own stress about being late, and a child who feels genuinely sick.
The Sunday Night Through Thursday Morning Cycle
For many anxious kids, the dread starts Sunday night. They’re fine all weekend, but Sunday evening the stomachaches begin. By Tuesday, they might be in full meltdown mode.
Understanding this pattern helps you get ahead of it instead of reacting to crisis every morning.
Morning Routine That Actually Works
Prepare the night before
- Clothes laid out (let them choose—control reduces anxiety)
- Backpack packed and by the door
- Breakfast planned (anxious kids often can’t eat much, so have easy options ready)
- Talk through the next day’s schedule so there are no surprises
Build in buffer time If you need to leave at 8:15, act like you need to leave at 7:45. Anxiety makes everything take longer, and rushing makes anxiety worse.
Start with connection, not tasks Before talking about getting dressed or eating breakfast, spend 5-10 minutes just being present with them. Read a book, snuggle, or just sit together. Think of it as filling their emotional tank before they have to handle the stress of the day.
Have a “stomachache protocol” When they say their tummy hurts:
- “I believe that your stomach hurts. Anxiety can make our bodies feel sick.”
- “Let’s try some things that might help your body feel better.”
- Offer comfort measures: warm compress, sip of water, deep breaths
- “We’re still going to school, and I’m going to help you get through this.”
Create a school survival kit
- A note from you they can read if they get anxious
- A small comfort object for their backpack
- A plan for what to do if anxiety hits at school (go to the nurse, ask for a drink of water, take deep breaths)
What to Say When They Don’t Want to Go to School
Instead of: “You have to go to school, it’s the law” Try: “I know school feels scary right now. We’re going to go anyway, and I’m going to help you handle the scary feelings.”
Instead of: “You’ll be fine once you get there” Try: “It might feel hard at first, and that’s okay. Hard feelings don’t last forever.”
Instead of: “There’s nothing to worry about” Try: “Your brain is trying to protect you by worrying. Let’s teach it that school is safe.”
When Your Own Anxiety Gets Triggered
Let’s be real—watching your child struggle with anxiety is incredibly stressful. You might find yourself:
- Walking on eggshells to avoid triggering their anxiety
- Feeling angry that simple things (like bedtime) have become so complicated
- Worrying constantly about their mental health
- Questioning every parenting decision you’ve ever made
This is normal. But your anxiety makes their anxiety worse, so taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary.
Quick parent anxiety management:
- Take deep breaths before responding to their meltdowns
- Have your own calming phrase ready (“This is temporary, we can handle this”)
- Tag your partner in when you’re losing patience
- Remember that anxiety is not your fault or their fault
The Things That Actually Make a Difference
Consistency over perfection Your bedtime routine doesn’t have to be Instagram-worthy. It just has to be predictable.
Validation over solutions “That sounds really hard” is often more helpful than trying to fix their worry.
Gradual exposure, not avoidance If they’re scared of something, help them face it in small, manageable steps rather than avoiding it completely.
Professional help when you need it If anxiety is significantly impacting their daily life, school performance, or your family’s functioning, talk to their pediatrician or a child therapist. There’s no shame in getting help.
What to Expect (The Real Timeline)
Week 1-2: Things might actually get worse as you implement new routines. This is normal—kids often resist change even when it’s helpful.
Week 3-4: You’ll start to see small improvements. Maybe bedtime only takes 45 minutes instead of 90.
Month 2: Routines start feeling more natural. You’ll have fewer morning meltdowns.
Month 3+: You’ll realize you haven’t had a bedtime battle in weeks. Progress isn’t linear, though—expect some backsliding during stressful times.
The Hard Truth About Anxiety
Anxiety might always be part of your child’s life, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety completely—it’s to help them learn to manage it so it doesn’t control their life.
Some kids are just more sensitive, more aware, more tuned in to potential problems. These same qualities that make them anxious also often make them empathetic, creative, and thoughtful.
Your job isn’t to fix them because they’re not broken. Your job is to give them tools to handle big feelings and to be their safe place while they learn.
When It’s Working
Success doesn’t look like a child who never worries. Success looks like:
- A child who can name their feelings: “I’m feeling anxious about the test”
- A child who uses coping strategies: “I’m going to do my breathing”
- A child who asks for help when they need it
- Bedtimes that don’t end in tears (most nights)
- School mornings that don’t require negotiation (most days)
- A child who tries new things even when they feel scared
Remember This
You are not responsible for eliminating your child’s anxiety, but you are responsible for helping them learn to live with it. Some of the most successful adults I know are people who learned early how to manage their anxiety rather than be controlled by it.
Your anxious child is learning life skills that will serve them well: how to recognize their emotions, how to calm themselves down, how to ask for help, and how to do hard things even when they feel scared.
That’s not a small thing. That’s everything.
